i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
