You're completely useless in the revolution.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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