I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Sorry about my life...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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