Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
smell my finger.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
