you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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