My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
