Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Two words: blizzard sex
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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