I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
