here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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