just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He passed out mid-signature
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
