I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
