yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
