I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize