i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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