Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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