Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
