she woke up with a sticky ear
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
