have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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