I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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