Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
