the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize