I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
