Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
