Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
