The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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