I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
did i walk over a car last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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