Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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