My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
