I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Randomize
