what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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