She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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