new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
