What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
