turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
