Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
high people should be assigned attendants
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
