he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
