I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
