I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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