I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
