Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think my fart just growled at me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
