I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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