Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
