update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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