I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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