So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize