I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
