between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
