we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
