I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize