Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
