I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
