it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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