I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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