I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
