I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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