everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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