So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
