he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if only i could text you this smell
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
