Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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