I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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