ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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