I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He felt like a one man threesome
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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