its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
