ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
