I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Couch. On fire.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
