Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Randomize
