Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
