Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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