It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize