census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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