the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
