Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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