the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
