The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
