Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We got so high we made milksteak
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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